Happy 1st Birthday Gabriella

Daddy misses and loves you!

I know I usually post light hearted stuff and it is mostly odd news or sports related items. I figured this is my blog and it is about my thoughts. I have never written about this and it has changed my life forever. I may ramble through this. I just have lots in me....

Tomorrow, will be a reminder of what happened last year; the 12 best and saddest days of my life. On the 24th, my daughter Gabriella will be 1 yr old. Words cannot describe how the birth of such a little angel changes your total being. It was the most amazing day. At the same time it was also the scariest day. Gabriella was only 10 inches and 14 oz - we knew that we had an up hill climb when Kristen gave birth @ 12:07 to Gabriella.

Those were the best 12 days for the obvious reason- I got to spend many hours/days with her. I tried to soak up as many firsts as I could, for I did not know if I would have another minute, hour or let alone a day. I wanted to make the most of what I would have. It was the worst roller coaster ride I have ever been on. More then twice, Kristen and I had to give orders of Do Not Resuscitate for our little girl. There would be good half days and then she would crash and it would be restless night by her side. Praying she would be with us another day. I gave thanks every day @ 12:07 that we got another day with her.

As bad as it was and as stressful as it was. I know Kristen and I would give anything to experience her moving around, kicking her arms and legs and grabbing onto our fingers again. She was such a little angel. Our little angel.

It is tough now because I wish I was the person I use to be, not to have lost that innocence. After all the pain I have felt since her passing, I would not change anything in order to have spent those 12 days with Gabi.

I know I have changed. I know that things are not the same. I know that we have either pushed friends and family away or friends and family have pulled away from us. It is understandable. There is no rhyme or reason to it. We know that some people may think that we should be over this. I also know that if I was in there shoes I would have no freaking clue on what to do or say to someone in our situation. A year later and I still wouldn't know.

Do I give them space? Bring it up? Leave them alone? Don't acknowledge it? No clue.

To be honest neither do we. Sometimes we want to talk about it and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we want to be with others and other times we just want to be alone. I know it is awkward for some. What do we talk about? What do I say? It is awkward for us too. Friendship is a two way street.

I am proud to be Gabriella's father and though the pain is a little easier to deal with a year later. I will always grieve her loss. No other child can replace my baby girl.

Happy Birthday my grace from God. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Happy 1st Birthday!

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